Obama Gains Two Pounds; Nation Concerned

Yesterday, in an unprecedented revelation of personal information, an Obama Administration source told reporters at the daily White House briefing that the President had gained almost two pounds since his last weigh-in.  Diverging from his usually rock-steady weight of 180 pounds, the slovenly Chief now tips the scales at 181.6.  An obviously shaken and disgusted Herman Offerman, one of the president's lower-level spokespersons, fought off visibly disturbing bouts of gagging and nausea as he announced the sad news.  "The fact is, our Commander-in-Chief has ballooned in recent weeks," Offerman said.  "Maybe it's all the celebrating--it has been a really good month for the president--but whatever it is, the president would like to assure the nation that everything's fine, and that there is no immediate cause for concern."

The Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Nick Riviera, was reached for a response to the news late yesterday morning.  "The president is an adult, he can do as he wishes, but the world waits in horror as the results from this and subsequent findings are made public.  It is not my place to say, but personally I am made sick by the appearance of President Obama.  He simply does not understand the example he is setting," Riviera remarked in a hastily composed release that he slipped under the door of his office to reporters waiting outside for comment.