New Education Reforms Laid Out by Obama Administration

In response to calls for a better, more effective school system for the nation's children, Lee Panetta, Obama Administration Secretary of Education,  announced today sweeping reforms that will no doubt be met with comment and concern.  Like the controversial No Child Left Behind program under President George W. Bush, the new guidelines will attempt to boost federal oversight in the country's elementary and secondary schools in hopes of making America's students more competitive in the growing global marketplace.  "The reforms I announce today will bring our children back to our rightful place at the head of the class when compared with the students of other developed countries," Panetta promised.

Citing increased violence, drug use, and poor performance on standardized tests as the warning signs of a nation in decline, Mr. Panetta outlined the major components of the plan for reporters at a White House briefing held specifically to announce the new program.  Initially, all students will be required to have their heads shaved clean to promote uniformity in the classroom, he indicated, pointing to the proven effects of uniforms introduced into the public school system in recent years.  In addition, boys and girls will wear a simple orange jumpsuit not unlike those issued to prisoners in many of the nation's high-security facilities.  Talking in class will no longer be either encouraged or tolerated, he said.  "Participation in the discourse of ideas has long been highly overrated," he commented.  "Now, silence will indeed be golden.  Those who refuse to comply will be bound and gagged, with, of course, strict adherence to internationally recognized human-rights norms and the Geneva Convention."

Other changes will include an elimination of extra-curricular activities like sports and the arts, he told reporters.  "You think they spend two hours a week on volleyball and badmitton in Japan?"  he queried.  "And the study of music and other arts has been shown to be a key factor in the softening of America.  Now, firing range, interrogation tactics, survival training, racial profiling--these are the skills the kids of the twenty-first century need to compete."