Global warming nay-sayers were emboldened last night as the International Climate Commission published its annual report which stated that Earth's next Ice Age was overdue, that temperatures would soon plummet, and that the now-receeding polar regions would indeed expand. Man's last extended period of a colder climate saw the beginning of civilization, say experts, and a frozen North America, Europe, and Asia would be a positive boon.
Oil and coal industry leaders, automobile manufacturers, and the ignorant and stupid were among those groups lauding the Commission's latest report. "Did you know that, in the last Ice Age, we totally destroyed Neanderthal Man? We achieved total domination and I for one welcome a similar scenario," quipped Morton Farquar, Chairman and CEO of British Petroleum. "Maybe this time we can get rid of the Russians or Chinese or something. Or maybe even the poor, " he added. Arthur Stiggitz, spokesman for the dangerously unstable fringe-group Industrialists for Greater Greenhouse Gases cited several advantages a new frozen climate might bring. "Stablized oil prices, an ice-bridge between Asia and Alaska, a definite growth in available real estate ... we can bone up on our hunting skills, no more heat waves ... and who wouldn't want to see a resurgence of the Woolly Mammoth, or maybe even that Sabertooth Tiger thing?"
Guess I had better get my beach time in!
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