Thanksgiving Feasts to Feature Non-Food Items

As the nation's economy stalls and concerns mount, tables set for this year's Thanksgiving celebration may include articles not common in seasons past.  With the high price of food and an obese population come many changes, according to health experts, and for the first time feast foods for Americans may include items not normally considered food, or, for that matter, edible. 

Pam Grizzard, senior spokesperson for the National Council on Nutrition and Obesity, cited a report released last week by the Surgeon General of the United States that concluded non-traditional "foods" might be a health-conscious and economically viable addition to this Thanksgiving's bill of fare.  "Low in fat but containing trace amounts of protein, shoe leather is poised to make a big comeback, well known during its heyday in the Great Depression,"  Grizzard quipped.  "And, as you know, what we eat needs to be appetizing, so we're anticipating a big surge in wax fruit sales this year," she said.  Also slated for places of prominence at the annual eat-in are nutrient-rich items like tree bark, topsoil, pencil shavings, and small rocks.

Squarepants Indicted in Ponzi Scheme Scandal

Spongebob Squarepants, beloved cartoon character and widely marketed merchandise icon, was indicted in New York Second Circuit Superior Court today on twelve charges of conspiracy, fraud, and attempts to perpetrate a confidence swindle in connection with an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  Squarepants, who has charmed millions of viewers worldwide with his inane antics and high-pitched laughter, apparently used his powers of persuasion and celebrity to lure unsuspecting investors into a multi-layered financial deal, soliciting, distributing, and misappropriating an estimated $117 million over an eighteen-month period.  Co-conspirators named in the indictment included Eugene Crabs, Spongebob's avaricious employer at Bikini Bottom's landmark fast-food restaurant, The Crusty Crab, and Plankton, rival restaurateur and known proprietary processes thief.  Plankton was convicted of multiple attempts to steal the secret formula of Crabs's industry-leading sandwich (known as the Crabby Patty) in 2008; in this instance, however, the competitors are alleged to have joined forces under the direction of the scheme's mastermind, Mr. Squarepants.

Squarepants is accused of offering lucrative stock deals to friends and family members and then subsequently drawing in acquaintances and foreign financiers in a complicated series of investments and payouts that allowed initial participants to profit from later ones.  Eventually, the circulating profits of non-existent shadow corporations ended up in the pockets of the Bikini Bottom conspirators, prosecutors say, leaving all those remaining in the venture bereft of hundreds of thousands, and, in some cases, millions of dollars.   District Attorney Lawrence Order informed reporters of the details of the indictment in a lengthy news conference generated by interest in the apparent downfall of the lovable spongeperson and his wilely confederates.  "No one, least of all longtime friends like [fellow Bikini Bottom residents] Patrick Star and Sandy Cheeks, could believe the lengths to which Mr. Squarepants went to amass the huge profits he did by these illegal and immoral means.  Crabs and Plankton they understood; but good old Spongebob?  It is a sad and shocking situation."

Summer Solstice Worries Wiccans

The Summer Solstice, longest day of the calendar year, was indeed a long one for local Wiccan adherents, emphasizing as it did the nearly complete lack of fear generated by a faith that at one time struck at the heart of the American way of life.  Wicca, a nature-based belief system that holds the changes of the seasons sacred, in the past was often wrongly associated with witchcraft and Satanism.  But now, images of baby-murder, orgies of blood, and the obscene co-mingling of demon, beast, and shreiking psychopath are becoming a thing of the past.

"Those were the days," quipped Moonshine Wolfbane, the taken name of Dr. Morris Fishbein, a Trenton podiatrist and Wiccan chief priest.  "Used to be I got a little respect this time of year.  My patients sat quietly in the waiting room and never complained.  Used to get a lot of free perks--good table at restaurants, comps at the casinos ... no more."

Other Wiccans tell similar tales.  Rosemarie Vagnozzi, a Philadelphia PTA president and middle school soccer parent, also laments the passing of ignorant confusion and the advent of informed tolerance.  "It's just the modern world.  It's what's happening now; we just have to learn to deal with it."

Failed Apopcalypse Brings Dissapointment

As last night passed without apocalypse, scores of fundamentalist Christians were disheartened by the continued existence of Earth, anticipating instead the "end times" that would bring earthquake, flood, and the total destruction of the human race.  Interpreting several Biblical passages that they deemed proof of the planet's demise, believers worldwide readied themselves to die only to be thwarted in the day's final hours as it became clear no final horror was imminent.

"It's just not fair," commented Horace Dipschitz, founder and pastor of the Rapture or Bust Evangelistic Crusaders Congregation in Chattanooga, Tennessee.  "We have all been planning for this for some time and I have to say it's a big let down."  His feelings were echoed by other congregation members who were stunned by the total lack of painful death by fire, crushed bodies, mutilated corpses, and the explosions and pyrotechnics expected by today's discerning Rapturists and action-hero moviegoers.  "It was going to be totally wack," offered Lindsay Umbrellard, a sixteen-year-old junior at Muncie High School in Chattanooga.  "And now, I'm going to have to study for that stupid French final on Monday.  This totally sucks."

Weather No Longer Interesting, Report Says

Recent natural disasters in the Pacific and the Mississippi basin notwithstanding, conversations regarding the weather no longer have the impact they once did, according to a new study by the Rand Corporation.  While weather talk may be necessary, most find the mere mention of rain, sunshine, or snow storms to be off-putting, the report indicates. 

"People have been talking about the weather for as long as there has been any," reasoned Marv Bel Giorno, head of the Rand Corporation's Mundane Topics Division.  "It's just boring.  And although the weather changes, there really hasn't been anything new in weather since the introduction of mudstorms in the late sixties."

Farmers, the demographic most naturally concerned with weather, once made meterological prediction the central topic of discussion.  In recent years, however, new topics have edged out discussion of the elements in most planters' day-to-day experience: politics, religion, Lady Gaga, the royal wedding, jazzercise, indigestion, and Spongebob Squarepants are now the top topics for the group nationwide.

Obama Gains Two Pounds; Nation Concerned

Yesterday, in an unprecedented revelation of personal information, an Obama Administration source told reporters at the daily White House briefing that the President had gained almost two pounds since his last weigh-in.  Diverging from his usually rock-steady weight of 180 pounds, the slovenly Chief now tips the scales at 181.6.  An obviously shaken and disgusted Herman Offerman, one of the president's lower-level spokespersons, fought off visibly disturbing bouts of gagging and nausea as he announced the sad news.  "The fact is, our Commander-in-Chief has ballooned in recent weeks," Offerman said.  "Maybe it's all the celebrating--it has been a really good month for the president--but whatever it is, the president would like to assure the nation that everything's fine, and that there is no immediate cause for concern."

The Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Nick Riviera, was reached for a response to the news late yesterday morning.  "The president is an adult, he can do as he wishes, but the world waits in horror as the results from this and subsequent findings are made public.  It is not my place to say, but personally I am made sick by the appearance of President Obama.  He simply does not understand the example he is setting," Riviera remarked in a hastily composed release that he slipped under the door of his office to reporters waiting outside for comment.

Misconceptions Damaging, Say Mobsters

Annonymous members of organized crime in several major Northeastern U. S. cities have, for the first time, commented freely in a major study on the public's perception of gangsters.  In a landmark report, adherents to the strict code of omerta, or silence, have not only confirmed their membership in the crime group Cosa Nostra but have also provided a unique glimpse into the lives and attitudes of those who live and die by the gun.

One high-ranking boss of the Italian-American crime syndicate offered insights into the mob and its varied crimminal enterprises.  "These people, regular people, people not in the life ... they are totally wrong about a lot of [things].  First of all, we don't all wear pinstripes and fedoras.  And we ain't all Catholic.  And we don't eat pasta every night and say 'Badda-bing', and 'Forgeddaboutit'.  You know, we have families, go on vacations, we have mortgages, problems, all that."

"We are sick of the public's attitude toward people with a last name that ends with a vowel," said another "wiseguy" who also contributed to the report.  His comment was echoed by a large number of those polled.  "It's like people think we ain't got no feelings.  We hurt, too.  We really do,"  said another.

There was another point upon which there was almost universal agreement.  When questioned about activities like extortion, loan-sharking, intimidation, kidnapping, drug-trafficking, and the murder of associates or enemies for the slightest perception of disrespect, one mobster clearly spoke the minds of the many:  "Oh, yeah.  We do that stuff."       

Graduates Anticipate Wealth, Happiness, Beauty

Graduates of America's colleges expect great things according to a recent Gallop survey of students scheduled to enter the workforce this year.  A poll of over 2,000 recent graduates indicated that hopes were high and negatives were downplayed when considering the futures of those questioned. 

According to data released today, young persons ready to begin the next phase of their lives expect to earn between $100, 000 and a cajillion dollars in their first year of employment, regardless of major, grades, aptitude, or job prospects.  "We're gonna take this world by storm," quipped Marsha Bodson, a May graduate of Rutgers University in New Jersey.  "I'm going to make money and be ridiculously happy, or whatever," she added at Saturday's commencement ceremony.  Ms. Bodson, a 16th-century Belgian Poetry major, expects to find work as a president of "some company", or to become, "famous, or infamous, whichever pays better," she said.

Guy Gonzales, a Farm Implement and Manures Specialist, put an emphasis on personal improvement as the stuff of which his dreams are made.  "I know what a college degree is going to mean to me: I'm finally going to be good-looking.  Not just well-groomed--I'm actually looking at being handsome for the first time in my life."  Sheryl Boinkin, a Pre-Law student with her sights set on law school in the fall, listed her great expectations in order of importance.  "Psychological solidity, increased upper-body strength, my own flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and power over space, time, logic, and beings."

 

Big Oil Floats New Ideas for a Greener America

Critics of the worldwide oil industry took note today as the Petroleum Trade Commision publicized its new guidlines for a "greener" approach to oil exploration, production, and distribution.  Among the initiatives included in the multi-point plan were:

• increased off-shore drilling
• a loosening of environmental restrictions
• a 50% rise in federal tax subsidies for the industry
• an elimination of all past and future restrictions that might possibly impact the industry's ability to reap obscene profits almost unheard of in the history of the planet

When asked to comment on the plan and its ability to be "greener", Commission Chairman Horst Greaseblatt told reporters,"There will be many immediate and long-term benefits from the new program.  First of all, increased drilling and production will enrage environmental groups, thus keeping them vigilant and keeping the issue before the public in the form of protests and public debate.  A reduction in the taxes oil companies pay will free up much needed capital for research into new technologies that are already well-established and not at all in the interests of the industry.  And if we can get the federal government to abolish the current restrictions on emissions and dumping, we can concentrate on increased bonuses and perks for oil company executives.  This will put those at the top in a supremely good mood, and, as you know, a happy executive is an environmentally responsible executive.  And we've made a commitment to repainting every oil rig, off-shore derrick and refinery a lovely green, brightening our country and, if I may say, our future for decades to come." 

New Education Reforms Laid Out by Obama Administration

In response to calls for a better, more effective school system for the nation's children, Lee Panetta, Obama Administration Secretary of Education,  announced today sweeping reforms that will no doubt be met with comment and concern.  Like the controversial No Child Left Behind program under President George W. Bush, the new guidelines will attempt to boost federal oversight in the country's elementary and secondary schools in hopes of making America's students more competitive in the growing global marketplace.  "The reforms I announce today will bring our children back to our rightful place at the head of the class when compared with the students of other developed countries," Panetta promised.

Citing increased violence, drug use, and poor performance on standardized tests as the warning signs of a nation in decline, Mr. Panetta outlined the major components of the plan for reporters at a White House briefing held specifically to announce the new program.  Initially, all students will be required to have their heads shaved clean to promote uniformity in the classroom, he indicated, pointing to the proven effects of uniforms introduced into the public school system in recent years.  In addition, boys and girls will wear a simple orange jumpsuit not unlike those issued to prisoners in many of the nation's high-security facilities.  Talking in class will no longer be either encouraged or tolerated, he said.  "Participation in the discourse of ideas has long been highly overrated," he commented.  "Now, silence will indeed be golden.  Those who refuse to comply will be bound and gagged, with, of course, strict adherence to internationally recognized human-rights norms and the Geneva Convention."

Other changes will include an elimination of extra-curricular activities like sports and the arts, he told reporters.  "You think they spend two hours a week on volleyball and badmitton in Japan?"  he queried.  "And the study of music and other arts has been shown to be a key factor in the softening of America.  Now, firing range, interrogation tactics, survival training, racial profiling--these are the skills the kids of the twenty-first century need to compete." 

Baseball Bad for Kids, Experts Say

Baseball, the National Pastime, the game that many things are as American as, is bad for children according to a new study published by the Hastings Institute, an independent health-awareness group.   From promoting feelings of inadequacy to long-term physical effects, the once-loved sport has now come under scrutiny for enabling the kind of negative outcomes it until recently was thought to combat.

"Game playing is basically bad," writes Glenn Headlynn, spokesman for the Institute.  "Kids have to wait inordinate amounts of time to take their turns, they learn failure from striking out, and the intense stress of "winning" or "losing" may lead to depression, poor self-image, anti-social behavior, murder, hoof-in-mouth disease, poor posture, stuttering--the list goes on."

Headlynn referred to the results of a week-long study that aggregated data from several youth baseball games in rural Ohio.  Critics cited the brief length and breadth of the study and its seemingly almost total lack of data and scientific rigor.    

Obama's Jealousy Ends in Osama's Death

Administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, today confirmed suspicions long held by President Barack Obama's critics that the Chief Executive's pursuit and eventual killing of Al Quaeda leader Osama bin Laden was motivated mainly by jealousy.  The President and bin Laden, two of the world's most recognizable figures, share a coincidental similarity of names; and it was this similarity that led to the terrorist leader's death. 

"There was only room for one Osama or Obama on the world stage, and our president took care of that," said Bergen Musflocker, President Obama's personal attorney, when asked for comment yesterday.  "Sure, there was the whole 9/11 thing, that was bad, but when Barack became President, we all knew it was only a matter of time.  The President is a serious man, but he also has a seriously jealous streak in him.  Once, in college, he punched a fellow student who was also tall, thin, and hyper-educated.  The guy wants what he wants, and he doesn't respond well to perceived challenges."

Next Ice Age Awaited in Great Anticipation

Global warming nay-sayers were emboldened last night as the International Climate Commission published its annual report which stated that Earth's next Ice Age was overdue, that temperatures would soon plummet, and that the now-receeding polar regions would indeed expand.  Man's last extended period of a colder climate saw the beginning of civilization, say experts, and a frozen North America, Europe, and Asia would be a positive boon.

Oil and coal industry leaders, automobile manufacturers, and the ignorant and stupid were among those groups lauding the Commission's latest report.  "Did you know that, in the last Ice Age, we totally destroyed Neanderthal Man?  We achieved total domination and I for one welcome a similar scenario," quipped Morton Farquar, Chairman and CEO of British Petroleum.  "Maybe this time we can get rid of the Russians or Chinese or something.  Or maybe even the poor, " he added.  Arthur Stiggitz, spokesman for the dangerously unstable fringe-group Industrialists for Greater Greenhouse Gases cited several advantages a new frozen climate might bring.  "Stablized oil prices, an ice-bridge between Asia and Alaska, a definite growth in available real estate ... we can bone up on our hunting skills, no more heat waves ... and who wouldn't want to see a resurgence of the Woolly Mammoth, or maybe even that Sabertooth Tiger thing?"

American Idol Changes Final Format

In a bizzare attempt to garner publicity and cash in on the recent climate of celebration after the killing of terrorist Osama bin Laden, producers of the singing competition show American Idol announced today that the remaining participants would face a last-minute change of contest rules.  As the young hopefuls travel toward the ultimate goal of becoming America's next musical superstar, those eliminated by the call-in vote of viewers indicating their favorites will now be put to death.  While those who survive the competition move closer to a lucrative recording contract and career-making live tour, each week's singer who polls the least amount of votes will now be assaulted by a team of U. S. Navy Seals similar to the one that put an end to the twenty-first century's most notorious murderer.

Reactions to the show's decision were mixed.  Fans of the long-running show expressed excitment at the addition of a new wrinkle into the heightened atmosphere of the competition's final weeks, but human rights activist organizations recommended caution.  "The death of bin Laden is, understandably, a cause for jubilation for the country, but I'm not sure that the final contestants deserve this kind of treatment, regardless of the performance they've turned in," said Mavis Arborhugger, chairperson of  Humanwatch, a Seattle-based group.  Meanwhile, Burt Schwinger, one of the show's producers, countered that view.  "Listen ... we've gotta compete with that stupid dancing show, viewership is off drastically from last year, and, you know ... celebrating death is totally in right now.  We've got to get some of that good feeling working for us."

   

Osama bin-Laden Revealed as Big Fat Baby

Obscured by reports of his demise last night, new information came to light that Osama bin-Laden was in fact a big fat baby.  Renowned for his ability to remain hidden for a decade while legions of searchers combed the mountainous regions of Pakistan, bin-Laden was thought to be something of an invisible specter, living in rugged back-country and surviving with only the barest of necessities.  However, informants privy to his movements and involved in the mission indicate he was a complainer and whiner who was often snippy with subordinates and at times quite grumpy.

Speaking through an interpreter, Haziz al-Mustafa, the sherpa and goat-herder credited with the tip that brought down bin-Laden, called the terrorist a "big fat baby that made me really mad sometimes.  He was always complaining about something.  What a schmuck.  And he still owes me money."