In the brutal conquest and occupation of large swaths of Iraq and Syria, battalion leader Asir al-Hasim and his compatriots have faced one enormous challenge after another, but this week saw the most central question of the new regime's existence thrust to the fore: by what name shall the bloodthirsty murderers be known? Asir has his preference, his superiors have another, and among the ranks the debate rages on: are we ISIS, ISIL, or, as some have proffered, ISILIS? Further favorites include EYESILL, SILLYEYE, ICE-ILL, SLICE-ISS, and even ASS-ICE. Sources close to this reporter have lengthened the list to include ICE-ICE-CRAZY, ILL-KILL, and the unlikely ICICLE.
His facial features concealed beneath the traditional balaclava, Asir spoke through an interpreter on the intensity and importance of the controversy. "The cringing dogs who offer these stupid acronyms like "ICE-KILL" or "ICE CREAM"--it's outrageous! The blood of a thousand martyrs cries out for justice! And besides, it's really tough to make these cool-sounding abbreviations into real titles. Some ass has suggested ISIC: The Iraqi State in Cleveland! I mean, we haven't even conquered these dry-dirt, piece of crap countries yet! And who the hell wants to head up the religious re-education of Cleveland--not me, that's for sure!"
