Thanksgiving Feasts to Feature Non-Food Items

As the nation's economy stalls and concerns mount, tables set for this year's Thanksgiving celebration may include articles not common in seasons past.  With the high price of food and an obese population come many changes, according to health experts, and for the first time feast foods for Americans may include items not normally considered food, or, for that matter, edible. 

Pam Grizzard, senior spokesperson for the National Council on Nutrition and Obesity, cited a report released last week by the Surgeon General of the United States that concluded non-traditional "foods" might be a health-conscious and economically viable addition to this Thanksgiving's bill of fare.  "Low in fat but containing trace amounts of protein, shoe leather is poised to make a big comeback, well known during its heyday in the Great Depression,"  Grizzard quipped.  "And, as you know, what we eat needs to be appetizing, so we're anticipating a big surge in wax fruit sales this year," she said.  Also slated for places of prominence at the annual eat-in are nutrient-rich items like tree bark, topsoil, pencil shavings, and small rocks.

Squarepants Indicted in Ponzi Scheme Scandal

Spongebob Squarepants, beloved cartoon character and widely marketed merchandise icon, was indicted in New York Second Circuit Superior Court today on twelve charges of conspiracy, fraud, and attempts to perpetrate a confidence swindle in connection with an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  Squarepants, who has charmed millions of viewers worldwide with his inane antics and high-pitched laughter, apparently used his powers of persuasion and celebrity to lure unsuspecting investors into a multi-layered financial deal, soliciting, distributing, and misappropriating an estimated $117 million over an eighteen-month period.  Co-conspirators named in the indictment included Eugene Crabs, Spongebob's avaricious employer at Bikini Bottom's landmark fast-food restaurant, The Crusty Crab, and Plankton, rival restaurateur and known proprietary processes thief.  Plankton was convicted of multiple attempts to steal the secret formula of Crabs's industry-leading sandwich (known as the Crabby Patty) in 2008; in this instance, however, the competitors are alleged to have joined forces under the direction of the scheme's mastermind, Mr. Squarepants.

Squarepants is accused of offering lucrative stock deals to friends and family members and then subsequently drawing in acquaintances and foreign financiers in a complicated series of investments and payouts that allowed initial participants to profit from later ones.  Eventually, the circulating profits of non-existent shadow corporations ended up in the pockets of the Bikini Bottom conspirators, prosecutors say, leaving all those remaining in the venture bereft of hundreds of thousands, and, in some cases, millions of dollars.   District Attorney Lawrence Order informed reporters of the details of the indictment in a lengthy news conference generated by interest in the apparent downfall of the lovable spongeperson and his wilely confederates.  "No one, least of all longtime friends like [fellow Bikini Bottom residents] Patrick Star and Sandy Cheeks, could believe the lengths to which Mr. Squarepants went to amass the huge profits he did by these illegal and immoral means.  Crabs and Plankton they understood; but good old Spongebob?  It is a sad and shocking situation."

Summer Solstice Worries Wiccans

The Summer Solstice, longest day of the calendar year, was indeed a long one for local Wiccan adherents, emphasizing as it did the nearly complete lack of fear generated by a faith that at one time struck at the heart of the American way of life.  Wicca, a nature-based belief system that holds the changes of the seasons sacred, in the past was often wrongly associated with witchcraft and Satanism.  But now, images of baby-murder, orgies of blood, and the obscene co-mingling of demon, beast, and shreiking psychopath are becoming a thing of the past.

"Those were the days," quipped Moonshine Wolfbane, the taken name of Dr. Morris Fishbein, a Trenton podiatrist and Wiccan chief priest.  "Used to be I got a little respect this time of year.  My patients sat quietly in the waiting room and never complained.  Used to get a lot of free perks--good table at restaurants, comps at the casinos ... no more."

Other Wiccans tell similar tales.  Rosemarie Vagnozzi, a Philadelphia PTA president and middle school soccer parent, also laments the passing of ignorant confusion and the advent of informed tolerance.  "It's just the modern world.  It's what's happening now; we just have to learn to deal with it."

Failed Apopcalypse Brings Dissapointment

As last night passed without apocalypse, scores of fundamentalist Christians were disheartened by the continued existence of Earth, anticipating instead the "end times" that would bring earthquake, flood, and the total destruction of the human race.  Interpreting several Biblical passages that they deemed proof of the planet's demise, believers worldwide readied themselves to die only to be thwarted in the day's final hours as it became clear no final horror was imminent.

"It's just not fair," commented Horace Dipschitz, founder and pastor of the Rapture or Bust Evangelistic Crusaders Congregation in Chattanooga, Tennessee.  "We have all been planning for this for some time and I have to say it's a big let down."  His feelings were echoed by other congregation members who were stunned by the total lack of painful death by fire, crushed bodies, mutilated corpses, and the explosions and pyrotechnics expected by today's discerning Rapturists and action-hero moviegoers.  "It was going to be totally wack," offered Lindsay Umbrellard, a sixteen-year-old junior at Muncie High School in Chattanooga.  "And now, I'm going to have to study for that stupid French final on Monday.  This totally sucks."

Weather No Longer Interesting, Report Says

Recent natural disasters in the Pacific and the Mississippi basin notwithstanding, conversations regarding the weather no longer have the impact they once did, according to a new study by the Rand Corporation.  While weather talk may be necessary, most find the mere mention of rain, sunshine, or snow storms to be off-putting, the report indicates. 

"People have been talking about the weather for as long as there has been any," reasoned Marv Bel Giorno, head of the Rand Corporation's Mundane Topics Division.  "It's just boring.  And although the weather changes, there really hasn't been anything new in weather since the introduction of mudstorms in the late sixties."

Farmers, the demographic most naturally concerned with weather, once made meterological prediction the central topic of discussion.  In recent years, however, new topics have edged out discussion of the elements in most planters' day-to-day experience: politics, religion, Lady Gaga, the royal wedding, jazzercise, indigestion, and Spongebob Squarepants are now the top topics for the group nationwide.

Obama Gains Two Pounds; Nation Concerned

Yesterday, in an unprecedented revelation of personal information, an Obama Administration source told reporters at the daily White House briefing that the President had gained almost two pounds since his last weigh-in.  Diverging from his usually rock-steady weight of 180 pounds, the slovenly Chief now tips the scales at 181.6.  An obviously shaken and disgusted Herman Offerman, one of the president's lower-level spokespersons, fought off visibly disturbing bouts of gagging and nausea as he announced the sad news.  "The fact is, our Commander-in-Chief has ballooned in recent weeks," Offerman said.  "Maybe it's all the celebrating--it has been a really good month for the president--but whatever it is, the president would like to assure the nation that everything's fine, and that there is no immediate cause for concern."

The Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Nick Riviera, was reached for a response to the news late yesterday morning.  "The president is an adult, he can do as he wishes, but the world waits in horror as the results from this and subsequent findings are made public.  It is not my place to say, but personally I am made sick by the appearance of President Obama.  He simply does not understand the example he is setting," Riviera remarked in a hastily composed release that he slipped under the door of his office to reporters waiting outside for comment.

Misconceptions Damaging, Say Mobsters

Annonymous members of organized crime in several major Northeastern U. S. cities have, for the first time, commented freely in a major study on the public's perception of gangsters.  In a landmark report, adherents to the strict code of omerta, or silence, have not only confirmed their membership in the crime group Cosa Nostra but have also provided a unique glimpse into the lives and attitudes of those who live and die by the gun.

One high-ranking boss of the Italian-American crime syndicate offered insights into the mob and its varied crimminal enterprises.  "These people, regular people, people not in the life ... they are totally wrong about a lot of [things].  First of all, we don't all wear pinstripes and fedoras.  And we ain't all Catholic.  And we don't eat pasta every night and say 'Badda-bing', and 'Forgeddaboutit'.  You know, we have families, go on vacations, we have mortgages, problems, all that."

"We are sick of the public's attitude toward people with a last name that ends with a vowel," said another "wiseguy" who also contributed to the report.  His comment was echoed by a large number of those polled.  "It's like people think we ain't got no feelings.  We hurt, too.  We really do,"  said another.

There was another point upon which there was almost universal agreement.  When questioned about activities like extortion, loan-sharking, intimidation, kidnapping, drug-trafficking, and the murder of associates or enemies for the slightest perception of disrespect, one mobster clearly spoke the minds of the many:  "Oh, yeah.  We do that stuff."